Update

I am having a horrible week and hardly seem to be awake, Mum is typing this out for me as I am very tired and feel unwell.  Just hoping that if I keep going with the radiotherapy it will pay off and I will be back to replying to e mails, texts and up for visitors again.
Ella xx

I don't like Mondays

No one likes Mondays, but I bet my reason for not liking them is different to yours, the complete opposite in fact. You don't like Mondays because it's the start of another working week; 5 days of school/college/university/work, until the weekend rolls around again. I don't like Mondays because I can't go to school/college/university/work. Come 9 O'Clock on a Monday morning when I see all the commuters trudging down my street in to town, on their way to work, it's a sharp reminder of how different my life is to everyone else's. What I would love more than anything is to have to force myself  up at stupid O'Clock in the morning, make myself eat breakfast, walk to university in the pouring rain, have to sit there damp for the rest of the day before dragging myself home in the dark. I know that the grass seems greener on the other side but at the moment I can't think of anything better. Don't worry, my friends still have all their rights to complain about this - I know that after a week of this routine I probably would be! 

Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday and replies to messages and emails (I've been getting so many lovely ones, thank you so much to everyone who's sent me anything, short or long!) but the tiredness from the radiotherapy is starting to take hold, I can't seem to stay awake for more than 10 minutes at a time! 

Ella xx 

Maisytherapy

A day off radiotherapy today as its the weekend so instead had a day of "Maisytherapy! (sorry for the terrible pun, I thought of it in the shower this morning whilst planning the post and was so proud of myself for coming up with it, I had to use it!) The lovely Maisy Griffiths came over and we spent the afternoon watching TV, painting nails, eating chocolate and having a good catch up. I was also lucky enough to see Annie who was home for 24 hours so briefly popped and we had our usual Made in Chelsea discussions! (So actually, I got "Annietherapy" and "Maisytherapy"!)

One of the reasons I started this blog is because I don't think that people are open and honest about talking about "issues". Whether they are big or small, to do with illness or not I feel that people need to get better at opening up and talking. By not talking it turns whatever the issue or problem is into a taboo 

subject which can cause more issues and loneliness. By writing this blog, I'm putting myself "out there" to hopefully get people talking about things they don't necessarily feel comfortable about. So I'm going to challenge you to ask me a question; it can be about anything and I will answer honestly. So email your questions to ella.redman@hotmail.co.uk (that way no one else, apart from me, will know what you've asked so there's no need to feel embarrassed!) I will then make a post out of the best questions and answers!  

Ella xx 

Thank you thank you thank you

Today marks this blogs one week anniversary(!) and I just wanted to say a massive thank you for all the interest that everyone has shown it and all the lovely feedback and support I have been given. In the space of 7 days I've had over 5,600 page views which is crazy! Following on from my promise yesterday I have put together a collection of photos illustrating my day - please excuse my collage, my photoshop skills really aren't up to scratch! 

From top, Clockwise; 1. Mum and Brian working this morning - whenever mum tries to work at the counter Brian indulges in her favourite game of hiding behind the laptop and trying to help out. 2. My yummy lunch - cheese and green pesto sandwiched in a wrap, dry fried. 3. What I can't stop drinking at the moment - I'm so dehydrated and can't get enough of fresh ginger and lime grated/squeezed into boiled water. 4. The Oncology hospital - where I have had the "pleasure" of being treated, today radiotherapy, not to bad today all ran to plan so it was under an hours round trip. 5.  Our log fire - so cosy and warm. 6. Dinner from Teohs - Won Ton noodle soup, to tired to go out so we got a take away! 

There, so my day in 6 pictures - 3 of them being food and drink related! Have a fun Friday night whatever you are doing. 

Ella xx 

Sticking out like a sore thumb

So day 2 of the mammoth hospital visits has been done; 2 bags of blood, bone strengthening drug and radiotherapy. All in all the whole trip took about 5 hours. Todays trip felt a lot more manageable than yesterdays; we knew what to expect, the radiotherapy was a lot quicker because they didn't have to do all the scanning and measuring and I felt a lot a calmer and not as terrible as I did yesterday. 

The worst part, for me, about being in the Oncology hospital is the way I stick out like a sore thumb. The average age in there is about 50 + and with out exception I have always been the youngest patient, which means I get a lot of people staring at me. When you feel ill and vulnerable the last thing you want is attention, you just want to be able fade into the back ground as much as possible. This feeling has been made so much worse this week - I've got it in to my mind that when other patients look at me they figure to themselves some thing like this "It's terrible that she's ill, but she's young and has that on her side to help her get better then she has the rest of her long life to look forward to". Which we know, as of last Monday, isn't true anymore. 

About a month ago me and my friend Emily, who I met through the hospital, did a talk on why getting a Teenage Cancer Trust Unit built in Bristol is so important; to me it simply means that young people can go and get treated without being stared at and feeling more out of place than they already do. 

I've realised how bland and dull my blog looks, no worries - I'm starting to work on the design and want to start adding photos to posts.

Ella xx

A long day

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for the amazing responses to my "3 simple things" things (in case you hadn't noticed, I changed the original title of 3 beautiful things, to 3 simple things - it sounds a lot less cheesy and more real) I loved the diversity and honesty in all your replies. It's not something I'm going to do every day but maybe once a week or so when I have nothing interesting to report! 

Anyway, back to yesterday... Longest day ever (a slight exaggeration maybe!). Into hospital for a blood test, home for an hour, back in for 2 bags of blood taking about 3 hours in total - which meant 3 hours of being able to do nothing. I couldn't use either of my hands (my right because thanks to the tumours it's so swollen and the nerves don't really work at the moment and my left because of having a cannula in, how the blood gets into my body through a needle.)

I then had some radiotherapy, the session took a lot longer than usual because it was my first appointment; they had to scan me and make sure that everything was set up in the right place. From now on hopefully it will be a lot quicker, as the radiographers know exactly what to do. It was quite scary being laid under a massive machine but the worst part by far was the pain getting on and off of the bed you have to lie on, due to my broken breast bone! 

At home at the moment waiting to go back in for the same long routine today - there was even talk of adding in another drug to strenghen my bones. At least we can start to see the effects of the blood - I no longer look like a ghost, my skin and lips are nearly back to their normal colour. The next time I write hopefully it will be a more upbeat happy post!

Ella xx  

3 Simple Things

My mum follows a blog called "3 Beautiful Things".  The blog is run by a middle aged lady and every day she posts about 3 different things that have made her smile that day. Small or large, significant or insignificant, it doesn't matter as long as they have made her smile. Although horribly cheesy and kitsch, I think its a great idea for reflecting upon your day and no matter how bad you think it has been I'm sure anyone can come up with 3 things, so here are mine...

1. The joy of having a shower - For over 12 months of not being able to have one (don't worry, I've been having baths!) due to either my arm having to be supported at all times or having my PICC line in (where all the medication and chemo has been pumped through) it feels so great to be able to quickly jump in the shower and out again in 5 minutes and actually feel clean when you're done!
2. Going for breakfast in Clifton and meeting up with the lovely Jude - After not leaving the house for a few days, due to pain or simply not feeling brave enough, mum dragged me up to Clifton for breakfast. In the spirit of Carpe Diem I texted my friend Jude who lives in the village on the off chance that she was around and luckily she was! We spent a lovely few hours catching up over mugs of coffee and tea.
3. Last night we watched a BBC documentary on Nigel Slater and his relationship with sweets! (If you're a documentary junkie like I am, I would highly recommend it). Naturally, watching this invoked cravings for sweets, so today my mum went to a proper sweet shop and bought me back a selection of the finest old fashioned sweets you can imagine, paper bag and all! 

So there are my 3 things, what are yours? Its not something I'm going to post about everyday but just thought it would be nice to share the idea.

Tomorrow brings a day of hospital appointments; my first radiotherapy session and we found out this evening that I would be needing a blood transfusion tomorrow as my iron count is low.

Ella xx