Update

I am having a horrible week and hardly seem to be awake, Mum is typing this out for me as I am very tired and feel unwell.  Just hoping that if I keep going with the radiotherapy it will pay off and I will be back to replying to e mails, texts and up for visitors again.
Ella xx

I don't like Mondays

No one likes Mondays, but I bet my reason for not liking them is different to yours, the complete opposite in fact. You don't like Mondays because it's the start of another working week; 5 days of school/college/university/work, until the weekend rolls around again. I don't like Mondays because I can't go to school/college/university/work. Come 9 O'Clock on a Monday morning when I see all the commuters trudging down my street in to town, on their way to work, it's a sharp reminder of how different my life is to everyone else's. What I would love more than anything is to have to force myself  up at stupid O'Clock in the morning, make myself eat breakfast, walk to university in the pouring rain, have to sit there damp for the rest of the day before dragging myself home in the dark. I know that the grass seems greener on the other side but at the moment I can't think of anything better. Don't worry, my friends still have all their rights to complain about this - I know that after a week of this routine I probably would be! 

Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday and replies to messages and emails (I've been getting so many lovely ones, thank you so much to everyone who's sent me anything, short or long!) but the tiredness from the radiotherapy is starting to take hold, I can't seem to stay awake for more than 10 minutes at a time! 

Ella xx 

Maisytherapy

A day off radiotherapy today as its the weekend so instead had a day of "Maisytherapy! (sorry for the terrible pun, I thought of it in the shower this morning whilst planning the post and was so proud of myself for coming up with it, I had to use it!) The lovely Maisy Griffiths came over and we spent the afternoon watching TV, painting nails, eating chocolate and having a good catch up. I was also lucky enough to see Annie who was home for 24 hours so briefly popped and we had our usual Made in Chelsea discussions! (So actually, I got "Annietherapy" and "Maisytherapy"!)

One of the reasons I started this blog is because I don't think that people are open and honest about talking about "issues". Whether they are big or small, to do with illness or not I feel that people need to get better at opening up and talking. By not talking it turns whatever the issue or problem is into a taboo 

subject which can cause more issues and loneliness. By writing this blog, I'm putting myself "out there" to hopefully get people talking about things they don't necessarily feel comfortable about. So I'm going to challenge you to ask me a question; it can be about anything and I will answer honestly. So email your questions to ella.redman@hotmail.co.uk (that way no one else, apart from me, will know what you've asked so there's no need to feel embarrassed!) I will then make a post out of the best questions and answers!  

Ella xx 

Thank you thank you thank you

Today marks this blogs one week anniversary(!) and I just wanted to say a massive thank you for all the interest that everyone has shown it and all the lovely feedback and support I have been given. In the space of 7 days I've had over 5,600 page views which is crazy! Following on from my promise yesterday I have put together a collection of photos illustrating my day - please excuse my collage, my photoshop skills really aren't up to scratch! 

From top, Clockwise; 1. Mum and Brian working this morning - whenever mum tries to work at the counter Brian indulges in her favourite game of hiding behind the laptop and trying to help out. 2. My yummy lunch - cheese and green pesto sandwiched in a wrap, dry fried. 3. What I can't stop drinking at the moment - I'm so dehydrated and can't get enough of fresh ginger and lime grated/squeezed into boiled water. 4. The Oncology hospital - where I have had the "pleasure" of being treated, today radiotherapy, not to bad today all ran to plan so it was under an hours round trip. 5.  Our log fire - so cosy and warm. 6. Dinner from Teohs - Won Ton noodle soup, to tired to go out so we got a take away! 

There, so my day in 6 pictures - 3 of them being food and drink related! Have a fun Friday night whatever you are doing. 

Ella xx 

Sticking out like a sore thumb

So day 2 of the mammoth hospital visits has been done; 2 bags of blood, bone strengthening drug and radiotherapy. All in all the whole trip took about 5 hours. Todays trip felt a lot more manageable than yesterdays; we knew what to expect, the radiotherapy was a lot quicker because they didn't have to do all the scanning and measuring and I felt a lot a calmer and not as terrible as I did yesterday. 

The worst part, for me, about being in the Oncology hospital is the way I stick out like a sore thumb. The average age in there is about 50 + and with out exception I have always been the youngest patient, which means I get a lot of people staring at me. When you feel ill and vulnerable the last thing you want is attention, you just want to be able fade into the back ground as much as possible. This feeling has been made so much worse this week - I've got it in to my mind that when other patients look at me they figure to themselves some thing like this "It's terrible that she's ill, but she's young and has that on her side to help her get better then she has the rest of her long life to look forward to". Which we know, as of last Monday, isn't true anymore. 

About a month ago me and my friend Emily, who I met through the hospital, did a talk on why getting a Teenage Cancer Trust Unit built in Bristol is so important; to me it simply means that young people can go and get treated without being stared at and feeling more out of place than they already do. 

I've realised how bland and dull my blog looks, no worries - I'm starting to work on the design and want to start adding photos to posts.

Ella xx

A long day

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for the amazing responses to my "3 simple things" things (in case you hadn't noticed, I changed the original title of 3 beautiful things, to 3 simple things - it sounds a lot less cheesy and more real) I loved the diversity and honesty in all your replies. It's not something I'm going to do every day but maybe once a week or so when I have nothing interesting to report! 

Anyway, back to yesterday... Longest day ever (a slight exaggeration maybe!). Into hospital for a blood test, home for an hour, back in for 2 bags of blood taking about 3 hours in total - which meant 3 hours of being able to do nothing. I couldn't use either of my hands (my right because thanks to the tumours it's so swollen and the nerves don't really work at the moment and my left because of having a cannula in, how the blood gets into my body through a needle.)

I then had some radiotherapy, the session took a lot longer than usual because it was my first appointment; they had to scan me and make sure that everything was set up in the right place. From now on hopefully it will be a lot quicker, as the radiographers know exactly what to do. It was quite scary being laid under a massive machine but the worst part by far was the pain getting on and off of the bed you have to lie on, due to my broken breast bone! 

At home at the moment waiting to go back in for the same long routine today - there was even talk of adding in another drug to strenghen my bones. At least we can start to see the effects of the blood - I no longer look like a ghost, my skin and lips are nearly back to their normal colour. The next time I write hopefully it will be a more upbeat happy post!

Ella xx  

3 Simple Things

My mum follows a blog called "3 Beautiful Things".  The blog is run by a middle aged lady and every day she posts about 3 different things that have made her smile that day. Small or large, significant or insignificant, it doesn't matter as long as they have made her smile. Although horribly cheesy and kitsch, I think its a great idea for reflecting upon your day and no matter how bad you think it has been I'm sure anyone can come up with 3 things, so here are mine...

1. The joy of having a shower - For over 12 months of not being able to have one (don't worry, I've been having baths!) due to either my arm having to be supported at all times or having my PICC line in (where all the medication and chemo has been pumped through) it feels so great to be able to quickly jump in the shower and out again in 5 minutes and actually feel clean when you're done!
2. Going for breakfast in Clifton and meeting up with the lovely Jude - After not leaving the house for a few days, due to pain or simply not feeling brave enough, mum dragged me up to Clifton for breakfast. In the spirit of Carpe Diem I texted my friend Jude who lives in the village on the off chance that she was around and luckily she was! We spent a lovely few hours catching up over mugs of coffee and tea.
3. Last night we watched a BBC documentary on Nigel Slater and his relationship with sweets! (If you're a documentary junkie like I am, I would highly recommend it). Naturally, watching this invoked cravings for sweets, so today my mum went to a proper sweet shop and bought me back a selection of the finest old fashioned sweets you can imagine, paper bag and all! 

So there are my 3 things, what are yours? Its not something I'm going to post about everyday but just thought it would be nice to share the idea.

Tomorrow brings a day of hospital appointments; my first radiotherapy session and we found out this evening that I would be needing a blood transfusion tomorrow as my iron count is low.

Ella xx 

The definition of being brave

If you look the word brave up in the Oxford English Dictionary you get the following definition; 

"Ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage"

The thing I hate the most (along with people saying sorry) is when people call me brave. I am not. I did not choose to fight this battle, I'm simply dealing with it and coping with it in the best way I can. Bravery is when you choose which battles you want to fight and throw yourself head first in to them. 

The definition of bravery is this girl; 

Malala Yousufzai, the 15 year old Pakistani who was shot by the Taliban just because she wanted to go to school; Her fight started back in 2009 when the Taliban ruled that girls could not attend school anymore. She began to write a blog for the BBC and after that rose in popularity, then started giving interviews all over the world. This all came to a head on the 9th October 2012, when returning home from school on the bus she was shot in the head and neck by the Taliban. As I am sure you have all seen on the news she is currently being treated in hospital in Birmingham and doing well. As a result of this the UN has launched a petition and campaign stating that by the end of 2015 all children worldwide will be in school. The campaign has naturally been named after her; "I Am Malala"

So next time you think about calling me brave, please think about Malala instead.

Ella xx

Lovely friends

No one is better at cheering you up than your bestest girl friends. Annie, Amy, George and Maisy all have come home for the weekend and we spent yesterday afternoon chilling out in the living room. Drinking cups of tea (Lucozade for me, not very nice but I wanted the sugar to try and counteract the effects of the pain killers that make me so sleepy!), playing with Brian, taking it in turns to keep the fire alight by adding logs and having a good catch up. It was such a good distraction from everything that at times, whilst teasing Georgina (!), life felt very normal. 

I also saw 2 out of my 3 uncles which was nice (I figured I should mention seeing them as they would appreciate a name drop on the blog! So hello Uncle Bob and Andrew!)

Another day of seeing people and starting to reply to all the lovely messages I've been getting - thanks everyone! 

On a completely differently note, just read this fact; "Only 22 of the almost 200 countries in the world have never been invaded by the British at some point." Crazy.

Ella xx

No hugs and unexpected tattoos

Yesterday we ventured back into the Oncology hospital for scans so that the doctors can plan the next part of my treatment, Radiotherapy. The hope is that it will reduce the size of the tumours therefor slowing their growth and causing less pain.

Over the last few days the pain I am in has been getting worse and worse which is not only debilitating but also very scary. As it transpires (after painfully getting on the scanning bed) and the scans being done the cause of my pain became clear, the tumour growing under my collar bone has caused my breast bone to break! Ouch! Somewhat reassuring to hear that the majority of the pain is being caused by a broken bone and not another tumour growing already. So, basically no hugs please - I am very fragile at the moment!

When they had done the scans they then used ink and a needle i.e. tattooed me!  So they know where to point the radiation beams when I go in for treatment on Wednesday.  I am already planning tattoos with a range of friends and Sophie - but these two tiny ones were unexpected!

Looking forward to seeing a range of lovely people over this weekend - but remember no hugs!

Ella xx

The rules

After the horrible diagnosis and completly sureal day on the Monday just gone, me and my mum sat down and came up with a list of rules about how I want to be treated;

 

1. No cards or flowers
2. No being hysterical and wringing of hands (unless you have Redman or Tarzey in your name)
3. When you see me - please no negativity or drama
4. Don't all come at once - still plenty of time
5. No talk about hospitals and treatment plans - unless I want to talk about it
6. Mum and Sophie are just as important (actually even more important than me)
7. Please don't call me brave or amazing or keep saying how sorry you are (its not like its your fault)
8. If you do feel the urge to buy gifts - preferably don't, especially not chocolates
9. Please just be as normal as possible - difficult I know
10 Finally of course, I reserve the right to amend the above at any time - with or without notice
 

Following the last few days I think I have a few amendments and rules to add...

 

1. No flowers (cards are actually ok as long as they're not totally naff and have ridiculous soppy messages inside them, letters are also lovely if you so feel the need!)
2. No being hysterical and wringing of hands (unless you have Redman or Tarzey in your name or unless you're one of my closest friends!))
3. When you see me - please no negativity or drama
4. Don't all come at once - still plenty of time
5. No talk about hospitals and treatment plans - unless I want to talk about it, but also please don't avoid the subject completely, I don't want it to be the elephant in the room!
6. Mum and Sophie are just as important (actually even more important than me) again, and all my bestest friends
7. Please don't call me brave or amazing or keep saying how sorry you are (its not like its your fault)
8. If you do feel the urge to buy gifts - preferably don't, especially not chocolates
9. Please just be as normal as possible - difficult I know
10 Finally of course, I reserve the right to amend the above at any time - with or without notice

 

Finally, please talk to me! I've had some lovely messages so far from a range of different people (sorry, I will get round to replying to you all!) and no one has said anything wrong! I'd rather you would something - anything! while you've got the chance than not saying anything and regretting it later, life is to short!

 

Ella xx

Hello!

So I'm starting this blog for a number of reasons;

Firstly, because I know that a lot of people are interested and don't want to ask me about it for various reasons (want to respect my privacy, dont't know what to say, feel like they dont know me well enough etc etc) all of which is fine, but I'll talk more about that later!

Secondly, as my mum always advocates writing stuff down as it really helps her, so I figured I may as well give it a try for myself!

And finally, becuase I think in years to come it will be a nice record of the following months for people to look back on.

I won't bore everyone with my entire backstory (trust me, there's a lot of it!) so if you're interested take a look at my mums blog here which covers the last 12 months.

Ella xxx